It’s more than just a title to me

I’ve had my best friend, “Fluffy”, since I was seven. I’m a month and two days older than her!  We were pretty much forced to play with each other, because we were the only girls on our block. We lived 14 houses away from each other.  We played dolls, barbies, house, dress-up! We climbed trees, made up games, peddle each other on the handle bars of her old fashion pink and flowered bike! We would meet at the light poll every night after dinner in high school. She knows all my dark, dirty secrets. I would put my life in her hands an trust that she would take care of me. I spent the night at her house every weekend. We laid in bed playing truth or dare, and we always pick truth. I loved laying there in her dark room with glowing stars on the ceiling, just talking for hours on end. We would laugh so hard that we would get in trouble for being to loud and waking her parents up!

When I think back, most of the greatest memories I have were when I was with her. We were a team! We always got mistaken for each other. We looked nothing alike. I had blond hair, she brown. I was a little heaver then her and much louder! She was my filter and I was her voice. She was the mac to my cheese! I would give anything to still be that close. Her parent have been part on my life, I strive to be like her mom! Loving, understanding and always kind.

Becoming a mom has been my biggest accomplishment in life! It has mellowed me out. I now love with my whole heart. I see things much more clearly. I now think before I speak, I stop and smell the flowers. But at the same time, when my kids aren’t around, Im still me, that loud crazy girl! It feels like people only see me as a mom, when Im so much more than that!

My bff and I are having somewhat of a falling out. It sucks! I have never in my life felt so much pain and hurt. I would almost rather die than to think that she has found a new bff. I long to just run away and stay with her. I want to just sit on the couch and watch tv and talk. I guess you can’t really call it watching tv then, can you? I want to tell secrets and laugh till my sides hurt. I want to help her plan her wedding. I want to plan the bridal shower, the  bachelorette party. I want to be there to witness her marry her prince charming. It just doesn’t seen that she wants me there next her her when she’s taking these steps?

I don’t know what to do or say? I feel empty, lonely, cold, thrown out, discarded? I wish I had the words to describe what I am feeling. Usually Im not at a loss of words, Maybe its more of a loss of emotions? I just want to take it all back, and just be that girl that was always down the street hanging out and having fun. I want to share colds and clothes again. 

I know life happens. It just seems like it’s happening with out me.

 

Fluff,

 I love you. I miss you. I want to be that friend that you had before I got pregnant. I hate that we aren’t as close anymore. I’m crying writing this, because I still need you and don’t know how to say it to you. I want to help you plan your wedding. I want to help you pick out your dress, your brides maids dresses, your bouquet, your table toppers, the everything else that goes along with this crazy wedding of yours. I want to see you become a wife, I want to welcome you to hell when you have your first BIG married fight. Because believe it or not. Even though you live together and are practically married you’ll still want to kill him when you fight. I just want to be there to give you a hug and say ” It’ll blow over.”, and if it doesn’t Well, Ill be there to pick up the pieces.

I’m just happy to have had you in my life! Thank you for all the memories!

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7 Comments »

  1. talinan Said:

    Ugh drifting from friends is so hard! I have drifted from so many close, special friends and it is heart breaking every time. Hugs!

    You will get through this. When one door closes another opens.

  2. Ronnica Said:

    Most partings with friends I’ve had were peaceful and on good terms, but I have one friendship from the past that I wish hadn’t ended as it had. You really do grieve at the loss of a friendship.

  3. Mama Mac Said:

    I love your honesty. You were more of a sister to your friend and that’s why it hurts so much. Trust me I cry about not being as close to my sister. Sometimes people go through a season in their life and forget what is really important. Keep the faith that some day she will wake up and remember what she has in you as a friend.
    Love ya :)

  4. Heidi Said:

    Well, you and I have discussed this alot and I know it hurts because…as you know…Im going through the same thing. It sucks and it makes me want to scream. I dont like that “discarded” feeling at all. I love you sweetie.

  5. talinan Said:

    I hope you are feeling better today babe! If you need to talk I am here for ya.
    Oh and I am tagging you for a blog meme tomorrow. Hugs, love you!

  6. Sarah Said:

    i hope she reads this and realizes what a great friend you are and anyone would be truly blessed to be freinds with you! i know i sure am!!

  7. Brandy Said:

    This was great. You are such a great writer and I enjoy reading your blogs. It is too bad that you have to go through this. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it all go away. The hurt you feel when losing a friend, not just a friend but a friend that has been there for everything and invested so much time is unbearable. I have gone through this and it has been a year since it has all happened and it gets easier but there isn’t a day that doesn’t go by that I don’t think about her and hwo things went wrong. Hopefully you will be able to mend your friendship and create many new memories. I also wanted to tell you that you are so much more then Just a MOM and you deserve to reconized as more then Just a MOM. I really do hope that you work through this and that your friend does realize what she is missing with out you there by her side. you are a great person and always have been and I am sure you are an even better person now with a little bit of time behind your belt.

    Head up and your hope high things will work them selfs out and I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason being good or bad.


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